This latest instalment of the Mental Health In Music series features UK musician Andy Curtis-Brignell. Andy has been a part of the UK's black metal/noise community for well over a decade and here he shares his experiences and offers realistic advice to those suffering. I just want to personally thank Andy for taking the time to participate in this interview.
A. Of course. I have experienced dissociative episodes from the age of 9 or 10, depression from 11, which graduated into a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder with concomitant attachment disorders combined with a previously undiagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have intermittently suffered from audiovisual hallucinations, mood swings and suicidal ideation my entire life.It has stained and tainted every part of my existence. I often feel as though I am being tortured in Hell.
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2. Being in a band can be an outlet for people to express their feelings and to help them get over certain things in life but do you feel that it can also have a negative effect? If so, what do think these effects can be and are these linked to writing, recording, touring etc?
Until I was correctly diagnosed, music was the only way in which I could express my feelings to anyone. I was locked in. However, I find touring and often simply being in the proximity of other people intensely unpleasant and anxiety-ridden. I have an extremely avoidant personality. It has made doing this as a career....difficult. However, as I said, it is my inspiration. I've had therapy. Lots of therapy. I'm as good as I've ever been. But I am a realist. I do not believe I could now live without my suffering. What would I do? Who would I be? It's a part of me.
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3. How do you deal with things now? Have you got any advice for those who are struggling themselves, musician or otherwise?
I am currently medicated. I try to meditate as often as I can, and have found a lot of comfort and stability in marriage and parenthood after nearly two decades of barely remembered hell. I try to only surround myself with people I love, which means my circle is very, very small. I feel a lot more protected with a couple of people I feel closer with than blood than I do with a crew of hangers-on and false friends, which has previously been the case. I used to trust much too easily. Not any more.
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4. What more do you think can be done in the underground scene or even the wider music scene to support people who may be struggling?
There is, I think, a reliance on the idea that simply talking about things is going to help. In my experience, until there is a clinical, financial and societal infrastructure to support the mentally ill, anything I can say is simply lip service. Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourself as much as you can. That's all I hold on to.
If you are having trouble seeking out support and services that could help you or others, please reach out to Mind at https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/.
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